Marriage is more than Sex
Just as there is much more to love than sex there is also much more to marriage than not being adulterous. Couples get married for a plethora of reasons, some of them good and some of them bad if they are the only reason. Reasons would include love, companionship, sex, meaning to life, children, romance, security, and sometimes a lot of selfish reasons we don’t have time to discuss.
Statistics tells us if true love is removed from the marriage relationship it fails after about 2 years. The initial passion and romance cannot sustain a marriage forever. If love is not the reason marriage moves to an arranged relationship where the couple remains together for marital benefits. It is not that marital benefits are wrong; but they shouldn’t be the reason for marriage. If the benefits are the primary goal, then something needs to be change.
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Scripture commands us to love one another in the marriage relationship as Christ loves the church. But just what does that mean? In scripture there are three Greek word we translate into the English word love; eros, phileo, and agape. All three words are applicable to a marriage relationship but they have distinctively different meanings.
Eros is where we get the English word for erotic. In real terms it means to be passionate, romantic, and erotically in love. In the modern vernacular we misunderstand the meaning and typically associate erotic love with something perverted. But this is not the scriptural understanding. The fact is scripture commends and approves of erotic love in the marriage relationship. Just a cursory reading the Songs of Solomon and you will know what I am referring to (SoS 2:5, 4:1-7; Prov. 5:15-19). The one caveat is, eros is the love of one person and one person only. This is the kind of love that belongs only in a marriage and is captivated by love.
Proverbs 5:15-19 (NKJV) 15 Drink water from your own cistern, And running water from your own well. 16 Should your fountains be dispersed abroad, Streams of water in the streets? 17 Let them be only your own, And not for strangers with you. 18 Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice with the wife of your youth. 19 As a loving deer and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And always be enraptured with her love. This passage is filled with the ideal erotic love. The commands here are to be drunk with love for your spouse. It tells us to relinquish all self-control and fall under the influence of erotic love. It shouts out, “I NEED YOU!”
Phileo refers to brotherly love and typically involves friendship and love for a relative or close friend. It means to love someone because we admire them for who they are, but not for what they have or do in life. This is not “sucking up” to someone to gain favors. But we should “phileo” our spouse; they should be our best friend and we should admire their personhood and their physical body. The best times of our life, the most fun times should be when we are with our spouse. Although phileo is to be applied to everyone, it is best when it endeared to our spouses. It shouts out, “I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.”
Agape love is unconditional, selfless, giving, and never demands. It covers all the flaws, warts, and hard times found in all relationships. It is the kind of love that dwells on the good times and uses them as unction to get through the difficult times. There are times in all marriages when our spouses seems unlovable (this is a two way street and applies to both); but agape says love them anyway and always. This is the love which gives endurance to the relationship when the passion and romance starts to cool. This is the love which enriches eros with realism. This is the love that says, “I married you because…….;” and shouts out, “I GIVE TO YOU”.
So, how does scripture tell us to interact in the marital relationship? The principle is found in Ephesians 5:1, the specifics are enumerated in 5:15-27. Since God is not married the principle is we are to imitate God by loving our wives as Christ loves the Church; and wives are to submit to their husbands as the church submits to Christ.
This is one of the most conflict-ridden passages in all of scripture because women don’t like the word “submit” and men misunderstand submit to mean heavy-handed and demanding. But both men and women who think such are miss-informed and lack understanding as to what submit means scripturally.
First of all the word, “submit,” does not mean the male is to dominate the female. Nor does it imply the male is superior and the female is inferior. Scripture is filled with passages proclaiming there is neither male nor female in the kingdom of God. Male and female are to be equals just as the races are to be equal. Gender is not to be a quality which differentiates.
The word and the passage do imply a mutual submission to one another because of our relationship to Christ. However, this does not mean we are always to be submissive despite the consequences of the circumstance. It would be contrary to scripture for the wife to submit to her husband if his intent was to physically or verbally abuse her.
The correct view of mutual submission is to submit as appropriate which may or may not be fully reciprocal. This is to be governed by the circumstance. This is submission based on other biblical principles, on mutual obedience, honoring, and yielding to one another. This kind of submission is defined as being and being able to be our real-self, willing to make ourselves vulnerable to our spouse. It is being true and honest in our relationship never hiding anything or never afraid to expose our short comings. The goal of submission is not a giddy happiness where everything is cake and ice cream. The goal is to promote a holy union so as to control the relationship as Christ administers the church.
If the husband will love his wife and be the spiritual leader in the relationship as commanded by scripture; then the wife should have no problem with submitting to his spiritual authority. I have been married 50 years and once I got on track with God my wife has never failed to submit to spiritual authority.
Fifty years sounds like a long time; but it seems like only yesterday when I first kissed that cute little gal, and you can trust this, the kisses are just as sweet today as they were then. We are still best friends and do everything together; sometimes she does things with me when she would rather be somewhere else and vice versa. But our love has always been sacrificial, fully willing to give into one another to make the other happy. Our worst arguments come from trying to outdo each other in mutual submission.
“Knowledge, like air, is vital to life. Like air, no one should be denied it.”
Gregg
I would like to thank Dr. Dan Doriani and Covenant Theological Seminary for making the course, “Christian Ethics,” freely available at:
http://www.covenantseminary.edu/resources/courses/christian-ethics-doriani/
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